Self-Care vs Self-Indulgence

November's theme for The Purpose Playbook for non-profit leaders is self-care, emotional well-being, and mental health.

By Dr. Virginia Lacayo

Picture this: It’s very late, and you’re staring at your cell phone, scrolling through Instagram mindlessly. You are exhausted. It has been a very long week already, and it is only Wednesday. You just finished the report that is due tomorrow. Your family complains that all you do is work. You justify yourself, but you know they are right. You are wondering how long you could keep going like this. But there is not enough time for everything you would like to do. The budget isn’t balancing, a key donor is pulling back, the joint initiative your organization is part of is full of drama and ego battles, and your team is burning out. On top of that, you’re juggling meetings, grant deadlines, and the never-ending struggle to keep your mission alive.

You tell yourself scrolling on Instagram before bed is your self-care moment, a chance to unplug and recharge. Maybe you’ll treat yourself to a massage or your favorite indulgent meal this weekend. 

I’ve been there. I know how tempting it is to believe these small escapes will recharge us. But here’s the thing—those moments, comforting as they may feel, aren’t always self-care. Sometimes, they’re just survival mechanisms dressed up as indulgences.

Let me explain.

When Self-Care Becomes Self-Indulgence

There’s a subtle but critical difference between self-care and self-indulgence, though they often look similar on the surface. The distinction isn’t in the activity but the why and when.

Self-Indulgence is a reactive stress response. It’s what we turn to when we’re already overwhelmed, exhausted, or emotionally depleted. It feels good in the moment—a glass of wine after a grueling day, an impulse purchase, or binge-watching your favorite show to escape. But the relief it brings is fleeting.

The problem? Self-indulgence often reinforces the cycle of stress and burnout. It tells us, “It’s okay to push yourself too hard now because you can always patch things up later.” We end up treating symptoms instead of addressing the root causes.

Self-care, on the other hand, is responsive stress management. It’s about intentionally building habits and systems that sustain our well-being over time. True self-care isn’t about escaping your stress; it’s about cultivating resilience so stress doesn’t control you in the first place.

Unlike self-indulgence, self-care isn’t reactive—it’s proactive. It’s what you do to prevent reaching the breaking point, not what you do after you’ve already arrived there.

How to Tell the Difference

Ask yourself these questions when deciding whether an action is self-care or self-indulgence:

• What am I feeling right now? Am I turning to this activity to avoid thinking or feeling something uncomfortable, or am I doing it to nurture my long-term well-being?

• What’s the outcome? Will this action recharge me and help me face challenges more effectively, or will it just numb me temporarily?

• Am I planning this? True self-care is intentional, not a knee-jerk reaction to stress or exhaustion.

Here’s an example. Imagine you’ve had a rough week, and you decide to spend the weekend binge-watching TV. If you’re doing it to escape your thoughts and avoid dealing with your emotions, that’s self-indulgence. But if you’ve intentionally carved out time to enjoy a show you love as part of your plan to relax and recharge, that’s self-care.

True Self-Care Starts with Mental and Emotional Health

Everything stems from there.

The wellness industry often sells us the idea of self-care as something focused on our bodies, involving external products or activities. Most things we consume or do to “feel better” generate endorphins, the “happiness hormone,” but the effect is temporary. Over time, the body needs higher doses to achieve the same result, creating a vicious cycle of “damage and compensation.”

Our bodies are important, and we should care for and pamper them. But ideally, we manage our thoughts to prevent stress, worry, guilt, shame, anxiety, fear, etc., which cause the damage in the first place. Healthy thoughts can naturally and sustainably generate endorphins.

External stimuli don’t remove stress or worry; they just temporarily distract us. It’s like taking pills for chronic headaches without addressing the underlying causes. While palliative measures can be helpful, they shouldn’t replace a real, sustainable self-care system.

A Self-Care Strategy That Works

Here’s how you can start building a system of true self-care:

• Audit Your Stress Response
  Write down the activities you turn to when you’re stressed. Ask yourself: Are these actions helping me manage stress, or are they just helping me ignore it?

• Plan Your Recharge
  Identify activities that genuinely replenish you—physical movement, creative expression, time in nature, or connecting with loved ones. Schedule them intentionally, not as a last-minute escape.

• Challenge Harmful Thoughts
  Stress doesn’t start with circumstances—it starts with your thoughts about them. Practice noticing the beliefs that drive your stress (“I have to do everything perfectly”) and replace them with healthier narratives (“Doing my best is enough”).

• Balance Enjoyment with Intention
  Treat yourself, but don’t let treats become your crutch. There’s nothing wrong with indulging in a massage or your favorite meal, but let these moments be part of a larger strategy, not a band-aid for burnout.

Key Statistic

A 2024 report by the Center for Effective Philanthropy found that 95% of nonprofit leaders expressed concern about burnout, with 34% indicating that staff burnout was "very much" a concern in the past year. Additionally, 33% of leaders were "very much" concerned about their own burnout, and half reported increased concern compared to the previous year. 

Leading with Self-Care

When we conflate self-indulgence with self-care, we stay stuck in a cycle of damage and repair. We allow stress to dominate, only addressing it when it’s already wreaked havoc on our bodies, minds, and emotions.

As nonprofit leaders, we’re responsible not just for our own well-being but for the culture we create. If we model self-indulgence disguised as self-care, our teams will follow suit, perpetuating burnout across the organization.

True self-care breaks this cycle. It’s not about fixing the damage; it’s about preventing it. It’s a commitment to yourself—a daily practice of protecting your energy, nurturing your mental health, and honoring your boundaries.

By prioritizing true self-care, we shift the narrative. We show our teams—and ourselves—that sustainable impact doesn’t come from sacrifice. It comes from resilience.

True self-care is not indulgent or selfish. It’s a bold, revolutionary act. It’s about refusing to let stress and burnout define us. It’s about building a foundation of strength and clarity, so we can show up fully for the causes we care about.

The Bigger Picture

We cannot pour from an empty cup. True self-care ensures that the work we do for others doesn’t come at the expense of ourselves. It’s not just about personal well-being—it’s about the survival and success of the mission itself.

When nonprofit leaders neglect self-care, the ripple effects are unavoidable. Teams struggle to find direction, creativity falters, and burnout becomes the status quo. But when we lead with intention and resilience, we create organizations that thrive, not just survive. A culture rooted in self-care fosters stronger teams, sharper decision-making, and deeper connections to the communities we serve.

Self-care isn’t indulgent; it’s mission-critical. It’s how we sustain the energy, clarity, and heart needed to fulfill our purpose. It’s how we ensure that our impact is enduring, not a fleeting burst of effort at the cost of our own well-being.

When we care for ourselves, we model a new kind of leadership—one that is bold, compassionate, and deeply aligned with the values we stand for. The world needs us at our best, not our breaking point.

By prioritizing self-care, we’re not just taking care of ourselves. We’re protecting the mission. We’re strengthening the impact. And we’re paving the way for a legacy of sustainable, meaningful change.

Want to bring Dr. Lacayo in to talk with your team about these ideas? Book a discovery call with her here. She is available for executive/board retreats, as well as on-site and virtual workshops on a variety of topics.